I take my neighbor’s two kids with my two kids to McDonalds for breakfast every Sunday; can I claim the neighbor’s kids on my tax return?
Answer: No, you can’t!
My grandma died in Mexico 3 years ago but no one here knows. Can I still claim her?
Answer: What?
I need to buy a house, my mortgage broker told me to have my accountant inflate my income to qualify for a loan. Would you do it? (Client smiling)
Answer: No way…!
Even if I pay you cash?
Answer: NO!
You do my friend’s taxes; can you tell me how much she makes?
Answer: Get a life.
I heard the IRS goes only after big companies, not “small” guys like me, is that true
Answer: Who told you that?
I know my business income but I don’t know my expenses; can you fix my return to show low or zero tax liability?
Answer: Nope.
Can you get me a bigger refund if I pay you more?
Answer: hehehehe!
When I become rich, I want you to be my only tax adviser. Can you not charge me this year?
Answer: haha!
I went to Hawaii with my wife, while at the bar alone, I handed a beautiful blonde my business card. Can I deduct the trip as business expense for making a “business” contact?
Answer: Lovers are not deductible!
My previous accountant always got me a refund; do you think you can copy what he did for me?
Answer: Go to him.
I can’t think of other ways to defraud our country, can you think one for me?
Answer: I don’t have any!
